The Joy and Distress of Connecting To Your Tribe
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How our quest for connection may be making us more isolated and what we can do about it.
Recently I have been involved in an open letter from a group of doctors to our government concerning its response to COVID. I work on my own as an MD and other than monthly zoom peer meetings, it could be said I am fairly isolated. In drafting our letter, messages were sent to and fro, much discussion was had, and hesitant individuals were convinced.
I felt joy and relief in my views being substantiated. The dopamine flowed and spirits soared. However, some colleagues were notable in their absence. I felt an immediate reaction: they are not one of us. These MDs may have been part of my tribe in the past but when the chips went down, they left. I would no longer support their views and initiatives.
From joy to resentment, I immediately found I had divided my colleagues into those who were worthy and those who were not.
Tribalism as Survival
Homo sapiens survived as hunter-gatherers by being part of a clan. We are still hard-wired to forming small groups. Indeed it has been shown that “it is ridiculously easy to get people to form group-based loyalties…and become hostile to the out-group”.
Despite being important in the rise of sapiens as the dominant species, it is argued that this instinct to tribalism is threatening our survival. As a species, we seem to be turning on ourselves by clashing with anyone not part our in-group. We seem to be hastening not only our self-destruction but that of the world and its other species.
The Joy of Tribalism
There are, of course, benefits to being part of a tribe. These range from happiness to longer lives.
Stress Buffering
Social integration and support trigger the reward cycles in the brain giving us a dopamine hit and the “feel good” factor that comes with it. At the same time, social support reduces anxiety. A double win. These factors of feeling good and reduced anxiety lead to a reduced stress response or “stress-buffering”.
Communicating with colleagues who felt the same way I did immediately brought about relief. Relief from guarding against the perception of anxiety that was hanging around my thoughts. I was freed to follow a path of thinking that had made sense to me. Others were thinking this way too. We were part of a group.
Living Longer and Happier
Social relationships, or the relative lack thereof, constitute a major risk factor for health — rivaling the effect of …risk factors such as cigarette smoking, [high] blood pressure, obesity, and physical activity.
Lack of community connections is well-known to harm mental health, as well as long-term overall health. Positive social connections and personal relationships support happiness, longevity, gut function, brain health, and immunity.
In this time of lockdowns and social isolation, we could all do with a dopamine boost from our community. This however comes with a responsibility to avoid further disruption of our communities by maligning those with opposing views
The Distress of Tribalism
We are limiting what could be uplifting exchanges, we are limiting our understanding of the world and thus we are limiting our own potential.
How easy it is to block, ignore, or worse, vilify those with whom we do not agree. A simple click and the discord goes away. We can settle back happily in the comfort of our tribe. From here we can reinforce our tribe, its structures, and our own confirmation bias. Not only are we right but our group reinforces this.
I would argue that this in-group favoritism leads to stagnation and weakness. Not only does this create a breeding ground for fake news and click-bait headlines but it fosters unproductive communication and drives people apart. These reinforcing online behaviors, not only harm others but also harm ourselves. We are limiting what could be uplifting exchanges, we are limiting our understanding of the world and thus we are limiting our own potential.
Stunting Growth
The importance of being right is illustrated even in the subliminal auto-correct functions in our software. A colleague shared that when typing an email, Outlook suggested that he removed the words “in my opinion” as they would “decrease the impact” of his message. It serves us to bear in mind that no matter how much research or learning we undertake, we will always only have our opinions. We will not have absolute truth.
Science, by design, will never be 100% certain. There is always the possibility, no matter how remote, that an opposing theory will be proposed. In this way science continually gains understanding.
Thus when we consider our view to be “right”, we are doing ourselves a disservice. The practice of doggedly sticking to our way of doing something, even when a better way is apparent is known as the Einstellung effect. The combination of this phenomenon and in-group confirmation can thus inhibit understanding and growth in ourselves, our community, and our world.
Losing Friends
What if I decide not to talk to the colleagues who declined to be part of our proposal? What happens if you disagree with family members? What happens if your neighbors no longer share your political views? Social media seems to have changed the goalposts from understanding and connecting to scoring points.
What the lockdowns have taught us is that humans crave actual connection. Social network point scoring is insufficient. Let us not lose human connection due to a determination to be right.
How Humans Can Heal Themselves and the World
Winning vs Understanding
Matthew Fisher and his colleagues suggest that when we argue to win instead of arguing to understand, we do so from a position that the opposing view is simply incorrect. Arguing to win reinforces our position and most likely the position of our opponent, leaving us both worse off.
According to Fisher et. al., arguing to understand may help us to grasp that there is no “single objective truth and that different answers can be equally right”. Here philosophy and science intersect. No one argument is 100% right or proven.
I would further suggest that arguing to understand enhances relationships that may otherwise be broken. Sapiens are social creatures and have thrived due to their social groupings. Individuals who isolate are sicker and unhappier, with a shorter lifespan. Arguing to understand strengthens us.
Changing Our Minds
Politics is now be filled with candidates digging up the opinions and statements of their opponents that were made many years ago. To have changed one’s view is portrayed as a sign of weakness and unreliability. Once a policy direction is decided on there is no going back, even in the face of irrefutable evidence to its harm.
What if changing our minds was seen as a sign of growth and strength? The true scientist always looks for opposing hypotheses in a bid to disprove their own. Failure to so indicates that their hypothesis is unproven and that the scientific method has been discarded leading to belief and opinion. The belief leads to a religion or a grouping, with denigration of opposing beliefs.
Changing our minds is critical to pursuing truth and understanding. This should be regarded in the highest light.
Connection
Most of us are burdened by the state of the environment, the conflicting political and ideological opinions, and the stress of isolation. We do not need to bear this burden alone.
Our tribes are there to help buffer this stress and support us in living longer and happier lives. What if we could expand our tribe to include those who are in our “out-group”? How much greater would our support be?
Let us not block the “conspiracy theorists”, the next generation, or those with opposing views. We are selling ourselves short. While it is not easy for humans, it is only through arguing to understand that we can heal instead of destroy. Facing our fears of being wrong and looking for opposing hypotheses will make us strong individually and collectively.
Despite my initial reaction, I will be connecting with all my colleagues. I will take opportunities to practise arguing to understand. I invite you to do the same.
